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3/19/05-
Lloyd Carr- On The Record!
It took a
congressional hearing but fans finally get answers on what happened
to the defense last season!
A Parody...
Committee Chairman:
Here ye, hear ye- I call this congressional hearing to order.
After cleaning up steroids in Major League Baseball this committee
has decided to take on another issue of national importance. We
intend to find out exactly what happened to the University of
Michigan defense during certain games last season.
Senator (D, Michigan):
I'd like to welcome Coach Carr to these proceedings. Of
course, I wish we could avoided using a subpoena to compel your
appearance but it became necessary when you refused to return our
phone calls, e-mails, and personal written notes. Coach Carr
we're here because the American people deserve answers that so far
you've been unwilling to provide.
Lloyd Carr:
Senator, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told those whiney
reporters at my press conference. I'm looking forward not
back. I'm willing to answer any question about my current team
as it prepares for spring practice. But I will not name names
or in any way explain to anyone what did or didn't happen to our
defense last season. I won't dignify those question with a
response.
Senator (D, Michigan):
Coach Carr- are you saying that you refuse to answer questions from
anyone?
Lloyd Carr:
What I'm saying is that I can't stop to answer every question that
that any random person may have. I'm not going to give
personal press conferences to answer every off-the-wall question
that some reporter may have either...
Senator (D, Michigan):
But Coach Carr- surely you can see that's it's not just the media
that wonders about your use of the "Possum- No Tackle" defensive
scheme against Ohio State and Texas last season...
Senator (R, Texas):
I must protest this entire proceeding. This is a witch hunt.
My constituents think that Lloyd Carr is a fine coach. We
commend him and his innovative defensive scheme.
Senator (D, Ohio):
Hear! Hear!
Senator (R, Pennsylvania):
I believe that the real question is when can we expect to see that
defensive scheme again? My constituents thirst for a victory
over the Wolverines. Our poor Nittany Lions haven't beaten
Michigan in years. Coach Carr- can I get your word that you are
NOT changing your defense for next season?
Senator (D, Michigan):
Call to order! We're not here to talk about next season.
We're here for answers about what happened last season. Coach
Carr why was the defense so inconsistent?
Lloyd Carr:
Senator I don't have to explain what kind of internal discussions
that I may have with my staff about how we run our team.
I'm sure that you don't publicize the reasons behind your
decisions...
Senator (D, Michigan):
Actually, Coach Carr I have an obligation to my constituents to do
exactly that...
Lloyd Carr:
Senator, I've said before and I'll say it again- I will not name
names.
Senator (D, Michigan):
Coach Carr, we're not asking you to name names- whatever that's
supposed to mean. Let me ask a simpler question. Why do
your teams have so much trouble tackling?
Lloyd Carr:
Senator, I'll have to decline to answer that question on the grounds
that doing so might jeopardize national security...
Senator (D, Michigan):
Excuse me? What exactly are you talking about?
Lloyd Carr:
You know what I'm talking about! You're all out to get me- the
timekeeper up at Michigan State, the instant replay officials, and
the most dastardly enemies of all- sideline reporters!
Senator (D, Michigan):
Coach Carr, we're just looking for some answers to the questions that
many people have...
Lloyd Carr:
You want answers?
Senator (D, Michigan):
I think Michigan fans are entitled to a few.
Lloyd Carr:
You want answers?
Senator (D, Michigan):
We just want to get to the truth about what happened last season...
Lloyd Carr:
You can't handle the truth! Senator, my practice facility has walls
to keep nosey people out. I have a greater responsibility than
you can possibly fathom. You have the luxury of not knowing
what I know: that there are Spartans and Buckeyes to fight! I
refuse to answer questions because to so do so might jeopardize the
great Michigan tradition. And my existence, while incomprehensible
to you, is dedicated to preserving that tradition...You don't want
the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at
parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall to
protect that tradition. We use words like honor, dedication,
loyalty...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent
defending something. You use 'em as a punch line. I have neither the
time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and
sleeps under the blanket of tradition that I provide,
then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just
said thank you and went on your way. I don't give a damn what
you think you're entitled to!
Senator (D, Michigan):
What was that all about?
Lloyd Carr: I'm
getting on a plane and going back to my team...
Go Blue!
Phil
Callihan
UMGoBlue.COM,
Editor-in-Chief
phil@umgoblue.com
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Phil Callihan is the Editor-in-
Chief of UMGoBlue.COM. Phil graduated from the University
of Michigan in 1993 and has been a football season ticket holder
since 1994.
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